What will friendship mean to our children?
In the December 11th edition of The Chronicle of Higher Education Review, the cover story was entitled “Faux Friendship: Networked with everyone, we no longer know how to connect with anyone”. The author, William Deresiewicz, refers to Facebook by asking, “If we have 768 “friends,” in what sense do we have any?” Have you ever had the experience of spending time with someone who is busy texting someone else? I know I have done exactly that, and while I love being in touch with my children or friends so easily, I do wonder if it comes at the cost of being fully present with the person in my presence. The article gives a history of the concept of friendship and describes how human beings have gone from having a handful of deep friendships to many more friendships that by definition cannot be as strong. He discusses the role of technology and a culture that has become more egalitarian over time as the sources of that change. He says, “We have ceased to believe that a friend’s highest purpose is to summon us to the good by offering moral advice and correction. We practice, instead, the nonjudgmental friendship of unconditional acceptance and support…. We’re busy people; we want our friendships fun and friction-free.” Interesting food for thought.
What does this mean for our children? What models do we want them to have for friendship? Certainly, they are watching television shows that may not set the examples we would choose. I would encourage you to have conversations with your children about friendship and their understanding of it from an early age. The model will change for them as they grow from being someone who wants to dig in the dirt with them to someone who is willing to listen to them. Since many of us as adults rely heavily on friends to be a sympathetic ear or an objective perspective, we should help our children know how to be such a friend or how to identify someone to fill that role in their lives. While we may not be up to date on the latest technologies, we do have a great deal to teach them about friendships and their importance in our lives.
December 18, 2009@ 2:36 pm
It took me a while to get through Deresiewicz’s article, but it was thought provoking—again. I was left wondering what the concepts of friendship and community (also discussed therein) mean to me and other people in my own generation, let alone the generation/s I am influencing.
I look to the vast collection of studies in the marriage literature on love and friendship for some understanding. The caveat with these studies is that such concepts are beyond direct objective measure. For instance, while we can measure a person’s weight on a scale or height via a yardstick, measuring a person’s affect is not as simple. There are multiple models of love and numerous affect scales based on competing theories. These scales are typically subjective questionnaires. In light of this, that Deresiewicz can point to any consistent trends in the concept of friendship through history is impressive. In a nut shell, my perception of friendliness, and indeed my phenomenological experience of friendship, may be qualitatively different from the next person’s.
This logic can be expanded to perception or experience of community as well.
How do each of us interpret “community”? What do we envision our role in it to be? How do manage the potential differences in each member’s expectations?
Ultimately, people are gregarious creatures. Depending on individual differences in gender, race, age, and culture we may have different ways of exhibiting our primal desire for affiliation. Integrating with others via Facebook, playing in the dirt, meal-time rituals, responding to a blog, being religiously active, or simply acknowledging a passer-by with a smile; these are all based on the same basic human need for affiliation. How people choose to manifest this underlying drive may or may not serve their needs — but only they can discern that for themselves.
Thanks again and Happy Holidays.